


Feeding the Flame

by Tayjin_writes



Series: The Five Elements [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Backstory, Child Abuse, Fire, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Other, Past Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:09:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28422975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tayjin_writes/pseuds/Tayjin_writes
Summary: Mosaic had a hard childhood. He spent his entire adolescence living within the shadows to avoid his mothers aggression. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough. She always found him.Before his mother left him and his dad for another family, she introduced him to the flame...and eventually he would bring her back to it.*Disclaimer: I am in no way romanticizing, glorifying (etc) mental health disorders. Writing my traumas as stories is how I cope.*
Series: The Five Elements [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2081817
Kudos: 4





	Feeding the Flame

**Author's Note:**

> This series is about mental illness and will be depicted/explained using the five elements (Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit) as the theme. This will also serve as the backstories for my OCs. This series won't always be canon when I use the OCs in other works/fandoms, however.
> 
> This story will contain child abuse/abuse, alcoholism, mental health disorder(s), vivid imagery and violence. Read at your own discretion.

The wind blew fiercely through the bare charred trees, transporting the ashes of yesterday and today throughout. The burnt orange sky slowly darkening with the influx of thick smoke. No birds can be heard chirping, nor squirrels scurrying. The squealing sound of sirens can barely be heard over the whooshing flames and crackling embers. The air, now overflowing with carbon dioxide and nitrogen, lowers the chance of anything surviving. The cosmic flames mimicked a tiger stalking its prey, slowly crawling across the land absorbing everything in its path. The humidity in the air could drown a fish yet no liquid could be formed in this raging heat. The once lush vegetation has been transformed into a charred version of its former glory. Green soft living grass becomes black crunchy fragments of death. Burnt tree limbs and smoked leaves scatter the few areas of open ground. The flames continue to grow and spread far beyond the forest. Melting poles into puddles of gooey metal. Searing the asphalt as it makes its way further into the neighborhoods of houses abandoned just moments before. Planes can just slightly be seen flying overhead dumping large buckets of water and crimson red retardant onto the inferno attempting to stop it from causing more destruction.

***

Mosaic woke up drenched in sweat. His breathing labored, raspy and rough like sand paper against a wooden frame. He sat up and turned so his feet touched the cool surface of the floor. He saw a light film of moisture coating the tops of his feet by the light of the moon. The only other light was red and it came from the camera in the corner of his room. Ever since the incident his whereabouts had to be monitored until they determined his mental state. The lack of witnesses made it harder for the police to believe everything was just an accident. 

Mosaic felt a much needed breeze come through his window, though he couldn’t escape the heat of his dream. He got out of bed and walked into the bathroom that was connected to his bedroom. While turning on the light with one hand he peeled his t-shirt up from his chest with the other. He turned on the cool water and splashed some onto his face to try and bring himself back into reality. He stared into the mirror and noticed the inky circles under his eyes and ignored the figure smiling at him from the back corner. He hadn’t slept in months and the therapy wasn’t helping like he thought it would. He still saw them. Heard them. They whispered to him all throughout the night and he knew that’s what catalyzed the dream every time. He sighed deep enough to fog his mirror. Since he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, he decided to stay up until it was time to get ready for his session.

***

Mosaic sat on the stone grey couch in a waiting room painted tiffany blue. He always wondered why this color scheme was chosen but according to Dr. Levi, it “calmed the mind”. As time ticked by Mosaic noticed the receptionist making quick glances at him, when he would glance out the window in her direction. In her defense he did fall asleep a few times since he’d been there. She could thank his lack of sleep the night before for that. He’d been up since 3am that morning and has been dressed since 6. He chose dark blue jeans and a taupe sweater this time. Normally Dr. Levi liked to over analyze and try to tell him his feelings are what chose the outfit for him. Sometimes a plain V-neck and holey jeans just felt right to him. Hopefully his choice today won’t start the same conversation. It got frustrating after a while.

“Ms. Conklin, do you know when Dr. Levi will be ready?”

“Well, you know you arrived pretty early. It’s only 2:30, your appointment isn’t until 3:00.” She replied with a small smile. 

Mosaic sat back on the couch and laid his head against the top to stare at the ceiling. His eyes slowly started to un-focus and his vision started to blur. Dark slimy tendrils started to come out form between the tiles. Writhing and flowing like thick smoke coming from a wildfire. He could hear the crackling of wood burning and smoke filled his lungs. His skin felt rubbery like it would slough off at the slightest touch. A series of screeches filled the air. He turned to see where they originated, he stopped when he could see the front door. A patchy black figure covered in ash could be seen crawling through. In between the broiled pieces of flesh he could see something bright red cascading down the figures body. It reminded him of lava flowing from a volcano destroying everything in its wake. It’s mouth was moving but the sound was distorted from the skin peeling off every time it moved. 

With a booming voice the figure said, “Your soul will forever be engulfed in the flames of hell….like your mother.” 

“Mosaic!” Dr. Levi yelled as she shook his shoulders. 

Startled, Mosaic was broken out of his trance and he sat up. He looked around and noticed everyone was staring at him. He tried to speak but his mouth and throat were too dry. He could only muster a cough. What that thing said still echoed in his head. 

“Okay everyone give him some space. If you’re leaving please go and if you still have an appointment please return to reading your magazines. Thank you.” Ms. Conklin stated before she scurried through a white door. 

“You were screaming in your sleep. Were you having the dream again?” Dr. Levi whispered, her eyes slightly squinted. 

Ms. Conklin walked back into his field of vision and handed him a glass of water. He gulped it down and closed his eyes as the water coated his throat soothing the pain. When he was finally able to speak, he said “Yes.” Dr. Levi nodded and walked back into her office expecting him to follow. He slowly stood up from his spot on the couch and made his way into her office, closing the door softly behind him. He hoped she wouldn’t ask too many questions about the dreams he’s been having. If were to talk about them today he knows he’ll let it slip that he’s been hearing things too.

Surprisingly, Mosaic liked the décor of Dr. Levi’s personal office. Her walls were painted a soft lilac color with a pale yellow chaise, recliner and cushioned seats placed in front of her desk. She had a solid wood desk and shelves that were a light tan color. Flowers of various colors filled the room in their crystal vases. A few pictures of her family littered her office as well. It reminded him of Spring; his favorite time of year. Mosaic took his place on the chaise and waited for Dr. Levi to begin. 

“So, taupe today?” She asked, while writing a few things on her notepad before taking a seat in her recliner. 

“Really? We’re focusing on my clothes after I just traumatized your other patients?”

“We’ll get to that, but I want to start slow. Why do you think you chose that sweater today?”

“Because I didn’t want to have this conversation for the 1000th time.” He said while rubbing his forehead with the tips of his fingers.

“And why do you think that is?” She asked while swiping a blonde lock from in front of her eyes. 

“Because it’s annoying!” he exclaimed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell.”

“It’s alright. Now, is it annoying because I’m right or because I’m wrong? I say you pick certain outfits based on how you feel that day, subconsciously, and it angers you. So today, based on your feelings of annoyance, you wear something you think won’t get my attention.”

“Probably because you’re right. Now can we please move on.” Mosaic said breathlessly. 

Smiling Dr. Levi responds, “Sure. You were here very early for your appointment; why?”

“I couldn’t sleep last night. I had another nightmare and couldn’t fall back to sleep so I just stayed up.”

“Were you having the same dream in the waiting room?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think you’re ready to talk about what happened that day? It’s been almost a year now and we’ve only talked about the dreams, not the actual event.” She said softly. Her voice sounded only slightly hopeful. In the past he’d always said no, but what better time to come clean than today. It was the anniversary after all.

“I’m ready but I want you to know something. I didn’t do it because I wanted revenge like the court tried to make it seem. I just wanted to make them stop.” Mosaic said, staring off into space.

She nods and says, “Try to be as specific as you can. Put yourself back into the moment to try and give the full picture.”

***

“I remember it being a warm Thursday afternoon and the sun was at its highest. I know that since the top of my head was warmer than the rest of me. The air was dry and filled with the sweet scent of summer like; cut grass, BBQ grill smoke and things like that. I just got home from work at the pizza parlor off the corner of Grange and Hamilton. As always I was covered in grease and sweat and probably a shred or two of mozzarella. It had already been a rough day with my boss yelling at me for every little mistake and the customers complaining about god knows what. So I was eager to get home, but that feeling was short lived. When I walked in the front door she was there. My mother. I hadn’t seen her in years and there she was sitting in the kitchen holding my favorite red mug. Her and my dad were talking and to this day I still don’t know what they discussed, but I could tell she was playing one of her little guilting games. Trying to act like she was the victim even though I knew she had to be living lavish with her new family. She was trying to make herself cry like always, but she could never really do it. Her face was too hard, too cold, too agate. She never showed any real emotion besides disdain.” Mosaic paused momentarily. His body shook slightly from anger at the memory. 

“You can take your time I know this is a difficult subject for you.” Dr. Levi said. 

Mosaic took a deep breath and continued. 

“I walked in and I closed the front door as quietly as I could. I tried to rush towards the stairs, but they saw me. My dad called for me to come into the kitchen so I did. I tried to look everywhere, but at them. I looked out the small window above our double sink. I stared at the white tile floors and white cabinets. I even glanced at the stainless steel fridge with the ice dispenser to try and avoid the gaze of the woman who ruined me. She said hello, but I didn’t respond. She tried to tell me she missed me and that I’ve grown so much since the last time she came to visit. Mind you that was a couple years after the police had to drag her out of my basketball game when I was in 6thth grade. She was telling me all the things an 18 year old might want to hear from their estranged parent, but I didn’t believe her. I barely even listened. I couldn’t help but think about all the pain she’s caused me. The sleepless nights. The tears that painted my pillows. The bruises that covered my body inside and out. The abuse that flew from her mouth was like water out of a spout. It was all too much.”  
Mosaic stopped again. His breathing had increased and caused him to become slightly light headed. 

“Do you mind if I go get another glass of water?” he asked. He desperately needed to take a breath and figured water was the best excuse.

“Of course not. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

Mosaic left her office to ask Ms. Conklin for another glass of water. As he waited for her to return he glanced around the room until his gaze stopped on a young mom and her son. He looked to be about 5 years old. They were sharing a seat and reading one of those Scholastic Book catalogs. This scene caused Mosaic’s heart to tighten and his chest to ache. At that age he would look around at mother son duos all the time and wonder why his mom wasn’t like that. He would constantly think something was wrong with him and he didn’t deserve a good mom. Now he knows that that wasn’t the case at all. He realized not all moms were meant to be mothers. However, having that knowledge didn’t make the pain burn any less. As soon as Ms. Conklin came back with his water he downed it quicker than before, thanked her and made his way back to Dr. Levi’s office.  
Before she could utter a syllable he started again. 

“Her being there caused me to have flashbacks of the last night before she disappeared again for a few years.  
I could hear the slam of the front door as my mother made her way into the house. She had just come home from the bar. Dad was working at the paint factory again. He was on the third shift for the 10th night in a row. Once again I’m left alone. He promised he would quit soon and find a new job and house so he and I could live together. He knew mom was no longer here mentally, so there’s no one here to care for me when he worked. 

I decided to creep down our steps and take a peek at her over the banister. Normally I would stay in my room and hide under the cover, but I wanted to see her. I’m not quite sure why, but I had this urge to hug her. Maybe it was because I knew dad and I would be leaving soon and I wanted to comfort her. Not that she really needed comfort from me since she had her bottles. I guess it was more for my sake than hers. 

I could see she decided to make a mess of the living room. Couch pillows were strewn about, knick knacks smashed and curtains were ripped down. ‘So this is what she does once a week’ I thought to myself. Don’t you want to take a closer look? I did. I wanted to get a closer look so I slid down the slippery steps quickly and hid behind the burgundy couch. I peeked from behind it and could see her trying to light the fireplace. It was June but there she was adamantly trying to light the match on the box it came in. 

I’ve never seen her like this before. Her hair stood on end like she was gripping it and pulling it outwards. She was barefoot and it looked like there was a scratch on her leg. Probably from the ceramic elephant she broke earlier. Her face looked different as well. I couldn’t place it, but it just looked wrong. Nothing like the woman in the photos scattered throughout the house. I’ve only ever seen her the morning after sipping coffee with her hair covering her face and the old floral robe I got for her for mother’s day. So this was something new to me. 

I would ask her what she was doing, but I learned pretty quickly not to disturb her when she was messing with fire or anything sharp since I knew I would be the one to get harmed in the end. Knowing this you would think I would go back upstairs, but for some reason l stayed put. It could have been my need to be around her and keep her relatively safe that made me stay, but who knows. After about 20 minutes of struggling and cursing she finally had a nice fire going. She turned around to possibly find a place to sit or something else to break, but she spotted me instead.

“Oh. Hello son..” she started. Her voice trailed off in the end as she cocked her head to the side. 

It looked as though she was listening to something. All I could hear was the fire crackling, but her head nodded softly like she was listening to someone. 

“Mosaic, dear. Why don’t you come stand next to mommy.” She held her hand out to me. 

I didn’t move at first. She’s never called me dear before. It didn’t sound right coming from her mouth. You would think it would sound sweet like the sap from a honeysuckle. But it sounded like a monsters seductive growl echoing in my ears. Almost like she was trying to coerce me to be next to her. A predator and its prey. 

Against my better judgement, I got up from my not-so-secluded hiding spot and walked up next to her. She put her arm around my shoulder and turned me so I could watch the fire. It’s heat warmed my cheeks and burned my eyes. I couldn’t bring myself to look away though. The warm reds and cool oranges dancing with each other kept me grounded to this spot. The popping of the wood rang in my ears and sent shivers down my spine. It was almost hypnotic. 

I was too entranced by man’s first invention to notice my mother. Beside me she was going through a hypnosis of her own, but it was due to something deeper than the fire. Dad always told me about how she would see and hear things that weren’t there. Especially when she was drinking. I thought it was normal though. I saw things too. But it would cause her to say and do things she normally wouldn’t if they weren’t there. Like when she put her cigarettes out on me leaving these perfect circles on my skin. I always imagined them as bubbles to make their angry red appearance less scary. Or when she would lock me in the closet for hours after yelling at me and calling me a demon. To make me feel better after one of her episodes, dad would just explain that her mind was different. The same way I would use my imagination to make the closet less scary, she would use hers too. The only problem is she didn’t know how to turn hers off. He would also say if she knew it was me, she would never do these things because she loves me. But I don’t think that’s true. I think she treates me this way because she knows it’s me. 

If I paid more attention than I would have realized this fire wasn’t just a fire to her. It was a means to an end. 

She suddenly grabbed both of my shoulders and started shaking me; screaming in my face. I couldn’t make out what she was saying because her face was wrong again. There were veins popping out of her face and sweat drenching her brow. As she shouted at me her eyes started to bulge from their sockets. The light from the fire casted her face in a crimson hue making her look even more sinister. Before I could try to get out of her grasp, my feet suddenly weren’t beneath me anymore. I could feel the heat from the fire growing stronger as my face got closer. The light radiating off of it burned my eyes so all I could do was blindly throw my arms out. Somehow I landed just in front of the fire, my hair only slightly singed. 

The intensity of that moment brought me back into the kitchen with my dad hugging me and my mom still sitting with my mug in her claws. He kept asking me if I was okay and that I was shaking. All I said in response was for him to leave. At this moment I knew I was no longer in control. I kept telling him to leave the house so I could speak with her. To just go outside for a second. I remember hearing my own voice as I said this, but I didn’t recognize it as mine. After staring at me for a moment he obliged and went outside calling to our two Labradors to play. As soon as he left I went into the living room. She followed like I knew she would and she watched me start a fire. She asked what was I doing since it was June and it was way too hot for a fire. I just told her to stand next to me and she did.”

Mosaic swallowed and said “ I asked her if she remembered this moment. I asked if she could hear the voice again just like on that night. From the corner of my eye I could see her looking at me with a furrowed brow like she was confused. When she finally started to move her mouth to reply I grabbed her arm and yanked her forward. She tripped over the carpet and fell head first into the flame. I backed away as she started to screech and holler. Her arms flailing as she somehow managed to roll from under the chimney and cause the living room to go up in flames. I ran out the front door and across the street where I watched it spread far beyond the house and wreak havoc. I guess my dad either smelled the smoke or saw it and called 911. By the time we heard the sirens the fire had spread to our backyard. He kept yelling ‘What did you do!’ over and over. Everything that happened after was just a blur. I remember hearing laughter, being handcuffed and then I was in my room staring into a camera.”

When Mosaic finished talking Dr. Levi stared at him for what seemed like years, trying to gauge his emotions. 

“Do you regret it?” she asked.

“I put other people in danger and almost harmed my dogs. “ Mosaic said staring at the ground. 

“What about your dad?”

“My dad? He’s fine. We talk occasionally and go have lunch. He says he doesn’t blame me. He feels responsible for everything.”

“Do you think he’s responsible?”

“ I think he was a coward. He was complicit. He hid behind silence and empty promises. It wasn’t his fault, but he didn’t try to prevent it either.” Mosaic said through tight lips. 

“I understand why you feel that way. If you could go back and do things again or change something, would you?” Dr. Levi asked, when her eyes peeked over the top of her glasses Mosaic knew it was a very important question and the answer he gave could change his life forever. But he had nothing left to lose. 

“I would change one thing...” He said quietly while staring out of the window.

“And what would that be?”

“I would have fed her to the flame sooner, like they told me to. And maybe then I could’ve been free. ”

**Author's Note:**

> I was really nervous sharing this story since I've never shared it with anyone besides classmates. I'm also worried the connections/layers might not be clear enough. Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> -Someone mentioned it not making sense that he was on house arrest, but here's why I did it: I just needed him to be able to go to therapy in that particular office, it was a minor detail and I didn't think it was necessary to research that type of thing, no one saw him push her. There's no proof he did it so he can't be in jail. They're just monitoring him to check on his mental state and they need to make sure he doesn't leave town. 
> 
> -I mention him not getting any sleep, but always having a certain dream. Someone said it didn't make sense for him to dream if he didn't sleep. I want to clarify that it's a figure of speech. He gets very little sleep and it's never quality sleep because of the dreams. 
> 
> If there's anything else that needs to be explained or if you just have questions let me know!
> 
> *This is probably the 'end' for Mosaic. If he pops up again it'll probably be in a fanfic unless I think of something else to write for this specific backstory*


End file.
